Who Wants To Be A Game Show Host?

As I get older, I realize that most of the things little kids want to be are really crazy career choices. Policemen and firefighters are constantly putting themselves at risk, pre-meds face rediculous amounts of competiton just to become a doctor and then have a lifetime of paying malpractice insurance, and with the state of the American spaceshuttle fleet being what it is, well, I wouldn't step into one. So, as a society, we have a little crisis on our hands. We need to educate our children to stay away from these crazy, dangerous careers and find something more fulfilling. So, what's my answer to this problem? We need to help young Americans see the benefits of a career as a Game Show host. As the baby boomers retire there will be more need for game and reality TV shows. Who will fill these needed positions? That's right, America's best and brightest.

We need to start this education young. How many kids say "I want to be a game show host when I grow up"? It is imperative that we change this foolish way of thinking. Teach your children that a life as a game show host can be fulfilling and rewarding. Not nly do you get to meet famous people and have lovely assistants, but you also get to be on TV! Why would you want to do anything else? No risk, no insurance, and there is always a winner.




Well, there is the hair...

My name is Jack Bauer

Hello. My name is (my name) and I'm a 24 addict. I've been an addict since September 2005. I know what you may be thinking, that's not so long. But I have seen every episode of 24 that was ever made (including those stupid mobile phone ones), and as such, have had a constant flow of Jack Bauer over the pursuing months until now. But, like all the other addicts out there, I am arriving on a bittersweet time in my life - the two hour finale. I can't wait to see how Jack & co. bring down Pres. Dipwad and his henchmen, and stop that submarine from attacking Los Angeles, but what am I going to do when the credits roll? I'll be out of a fix for the first time since I got on this crazy ride. Boy, I've always felt that 24 was a soap opera for men. Glad to see that I'm not the only one (Thanks P for the heads up).

Somehow I will survive...

Available

Does anyone else find something ironic about marking yourself as "available" in your instant messenger? If it were only so easy.....

Obviously this blue part here is the land...

So, I have added a map to this blog. "A map," you say. Yes a map. Let me tell you about it. Well, this lovely map tracks where it is that people are who read this blog. Yes, this is another pathetic effort to see if people are actually reading this thing, but at least it's colorful, and no, it doesn't collect antything about you so don't worry about Big Brother getting you. Trust me, being the victim of fraud myself, I don't want to have that happen to you (see, I care. Read my blog). Anyway, I'm really hoping that I get some pretty esoteric hits on the map like from Mongolia or something. But I'm pretty much guessing that there will be a big red dot in the the middle of the US... (this is the place!). Well, just thought I would share. Off to my softball game. Wish me luck!

Tech Update

Ok, so I took down the post about the Atom feed for this site, and for a good reason. I have decided to run my feed through Feedburner. That means that all 3 of you who read this thing can now use pretty much any type of RSS reader to keep tabs on this site. I guess what I am hoping for is to make this blog a bit more read (tell your friends...). So, if you happened to read my instructions on how to set up a Live Bookmark in Firefox, nothing has changed (at least on the front end). The steps remain the same:

1. Click on the syndication icon in the address bar (possibly on the status bar at the bottom of your browser).

2. Give the Live Bookmark a name (default is the name of this blog)

3. Tell the browser where to store the bookmark.

Pretty easy. What this will do for you is give you a bookmark that will automatically update itself to show the latest posts on my blog. It makes it really easy to keep up on what is goign through my skull without having to type scrumpestuous, which can be a pain, I know.

You can also use a dedicated feed reader program to manage "subscriptions" to my blog, and all the other blogs that you read. This is actually the main reason for my switching to Feedburner. Feedburner makes it really easy for these programs to read this blog (in case you didn't know there are several types of RSS and a few Atom formats as well). Feedburner basically takes care of handling whatever covsersion is necessary for your program to read my feed.

And, if that isn't good enough for you (or you aren't using an RSS capable browser or external program), you can simply bookmark this page. You can also get there by clicking the yellow Feedburner banner to the right.

I hope this makes things easy for you all!

Confessions of an addict

I woke up this morning and barely wanted to get out of bed. I think it was a mixture of several things. I have been a bit sick, it has been really hot at night in my apartment, and I have been having some very strange dreams lately. Add to that the stronger than usual Monday morning funk, and there is no good reason to leave the bed.

Well, that funk stayed with me at work today and feeling a bit low, I decided to buy lunch. Some of you may know that I hate Taco Bell. I really think it is gross. Yet, every time I'm feeling low, I decided to get Taco Bell. So, I began wondering if this is just me simply trying to punish myself, put my life in perspective (well, my life isn't as bad as that taco was...), or a sign of something more sinister: a Taco Bell addiction. I did a quick search for addiction self-tests and came up with a "20 Questions" from Gambler's Anonymous. I have adapted that list to help me find out if I have an addiction. So, here goes.

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to eating Taco Bell?
Well, I have eaten it during my lunch break (which is getting long because of writing this post)...
2. Has eating Taco Bell ever made your home life unhappy?
Yes. I usually get grumpy after eating it, which sometimes gets transferred to my roommates... Sorry guys.
3. Did eating Taco Bell affect your reputation?
Among the many self-respecting Mexicans that I call friends, yes.
4. Have you ever felt remorse after eating Taco Bell?
Every time.
5. Did you ever eat Taco Bell to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
Interesting thought, but no. I have never prostituted myself to Taco Bell.
6. Did eating Taco Bell cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
Well, I am writing this blog instead of working...
7. After eating Taco Bell did you feel you must return as soon as possible and eat back your losses?
Not really sure what this one means... which is odd since I wrote this self-test.
8. After eating Taco Bell did you have a strong urge to return and eat more?
I usually have a strong urge to vomit after eating Taco Bell, so no.
9. Did you often eat Taco Bell until your last dollar was gone?
Not often.
10. Did you ever borrow to finance your trips to Taco Bell?
I don't beg for Taco Bell or any other fast food franchise. I am a proud man.
11. Have you ever sold anything to finance eating at Taco Bell?
Does my soul count? Good taste?
12. Were you reluctant to use "Taco Bell money" for normal expenditures?
Fortunately, no.
13. Did eating Taco Bell make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Yes. I consider eating Taco Bell a sign that I am careless about my welfare.
14. Did you ever eat longer than you had planned?
Yes...
15. Have you ever eaten Taco Bell to escape worry or trouble?
Did you read what I wrote above? I often regress into this behavior when I am worried, troubled, stressed, or generally lack friendly companionship.
16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance a Taco Bell run?
Heavens no.
17. Did eating at Taco Bell cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Most definitely.
18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to eat Taco Bell?
Yes, dang it, yes! What do you want from me!!!
19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by eating at Taco Bell?
No.
20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your eating at Taco Bell?
Suicide no, but it depends on what you mean by "self destruction." I usuall feel like I am going to self destruct after I eat there.

Well, they say that a yes to 7 or more means you are a compulsive gambler. Let's see if I am a compulsive Taco Bell addict. Well, I count more than 7. I guess that means I have a problem. If I don't post for a while, it's because I'll be in rehab.

A Modest Proposal

In today's era of modern communication, there are many ways for people to communicate (big news, I know). Email, cell phones, text messaging. Most of them are fine. But there is one kind of communication that has a severly gaping hole in it, and lucky for all of you, I have a solution. That's right folks, I'm taking a swing at those annoying little yellow smileys that we call emoticons.

I have a love hate relationship with emoticons. They're sort of that visual cue that fills in for the lack of vocal inflection and body language that IM doesn't give you. I wouldn't really care about all that if it weren't for the fact that sometimes, you have to use them (ever wonder why Shakespeare is kinda boring to read but fun to watch? That's right, no emoticons). As I see it, emoticons must have been designed by 14 year old girls. They just exude a vibe of lip-gloss and glitter, and therefore, they aren't really all that suited to expressing male emotions.

So, now on to the solution. People have gotten pretty creative with emoticons. I can't count the times that I have needed an emoticon for:

Abraham Lincoln: =):-)=
The Pope: +O:-)
or Elvis : ~:-\

What we really need are emoticons like this:

Manly grunt: :|
Connery Laugh: `:-\|
or Magnum: >:-+

Now, these are only a sampling of what may come. Given the huge range of emotions that most males express, there could literally be thousands - nay, millions of manly emoticons. The only last suggestion that I would give is to eliminate some of the stupid emoticons that seems to crop up (especially in the MSN set) like dog face, cat face, and and wilted rose. I say we replace them with stuff like this or this. I think that would get the message across.

If only I had been so clever...

So, another video. Just goes to show that you can still be cool without all the digital bling-bling. Should I do the bald/beard thing? Better watch it with the sound on...

More Newsradio Quotes

Well, I thought it was time to share more wit and wisdom (?) from the folks over there at WNYX. Enjoy!

Bill: This may come as a surprise to Dave, but slavery was abolished in this country - No offense Catherine.
Catherine: Why would I be offended by slavery being abolished?
Bill: I don't know, I just like to cover my bases.

Bill: It's better if we pick one specific issue and not back down. Like Custer we will make our last stand.
Catherine: Wasn't Custer massacred?
Bill: Big Chief Custer? No. He killed many paleface that day.

Anybody Know What This Is About?

I remember seeing this video when I was a freshman in college and thinking that it was a hilarious commentary on politics, etc. Well, I recently rewatched it and I have no idea what is going on. Are the Russians Invading? Are they coming to the West for refuge? Are really going to have to wear those rediculous costumes in the future? In order to find some answer to this madness, I am proposing a contest for the best explanation for this video. Please post you theories in the comments. There will be some sort of prize (probably my respect, possibly a Kit-Kat) for the winner. You know, you might as well try, the odds are pretty good that you will win since tons of people read my blog... Just click to play!

What the Nerf!

Remember those nerf guns with darts that never stick to anything? Well, apparently the people over at nerf let a sticky one pass through. Last night, while on the phone with a friend, I shot a dart out of my gun (yes, I'm 25 and own a nerf gun) at the ceiling and IT IS STILL THERE. Now, I have no idea how it is managing to stick there, but I think for right now, I am going to leave it and see how long it stays up there. Don't worry, I'll keep you all posted.

Update

Well,

I suppose that it is time to update y'all about life. For those of you who still read this (i.e. - nobody), and haven't talked to me in awhile, here is the skinny about my life. Things have been crazy for the past while. I have been traveling all over the place for grad school interviews and have been super busy with work and school. This semester I have been to:

Phoenix
Long Beach
St. Louis
Seattle
New York City

Dang! That's a lot. Anyway, I'm not going to bother with putting up my silly graphic with all of the grad schools, so I will make my big announcement right now:

I am going to NYU!

So that means that I will be moving to the Big Apple and will be there for 5-6 years. Crazy. I never pictured myself there, but that's where it is going to be. I actually only applied so that I could possibly get a cheap trip out there, and now my life is going to happen out there. I am still in a bit of shock. So there you have it. I am done with finals and walk on Friday, I have an apartment lined up in NY (and no, it's not cheap), funding, insurance and the whole ball of wax. Guess this means that I am growing up. And to think, not that long ago, I had hair. Well, sort of.

The Dawn of a New Era

Without any further ado, I would like to announce the relaunch of the Scrumpestuous Observer-Picayune (the crowd erupts in cheering). I know, I know, you are all thrilled (cheering begins to die and then suddenly, as if by an act of divine intervention, it begins anew). No really, please stop (as the crowd is a polite one, the cheering ceases). Anyway, school is out and I am hoping to pay more attention to my journalistic duties, and as motivation, I decided to make the blog look (hopefully) cooler. It still isn't done, I have a few kinks to iron out in the design (the box around the profile...) but I hope that you enjoy the new look. As you might have guessed, I didn't really pick the color scheme until last, so if you have any suggestions, I am open to them. The center of the whole design is the new banner announcing the blog. I would have to say that I was shooting for something that could be described as hip-cartoony-eclectic, and I think I did a pretty OK job. Yet, as I look at it, it always reminds me a bit of the opening credits to Ghostwriter. Odd. Anyway, expect more from me in the future as I fulfil my goal to fill your life with crap from mine. Enjoy, and welcome to the new blog!

Thoughts In New York

A Message From Stephen Hawking

So, I just discovered audioblogging. What a cool feature. Well, in honor of this new discovery, I invited a special celebrity to record the first audioblog on my site. So, please enjoy!

Crickets and taxes

Last night my car started making the strangest noise. I have worked around cars for a long time and never have I heard something like this. It sounded like there was a big-a cricket living in the vents. I'm talking huge. I don't imagine that I am going to hear it again, but if I do, I can only imagine trying to explain it to the mechanic.

Mechanic: "So, what seems to be the problem?"
Me: "It sounds like there is a cricket living in my car."
Mechanic: "Hmm... Is it a big cricket?"
Me: "Yes."
Mechanic: "Possibly a mutated cricket?"
Me: (Exasperated) "Possibly. Can you fix it?"
Mechanic: "It'll cost you $750, plus the can of Raid."

So I guess what that means is that I need to get my tax return if I am going to be able to pay the mechanic. Which is precisely what I dreamed about last night. After a rousing game of water hockey (imagine water polo with hockey sticks that are mostly used to hit people), I decided to do my taxes. What the crap! I dream about doing my taxes. So much for being a with-it kind of guy. Although I guess I gave that up when I moved to Provo.

Friday Night Treat

Tonight I am treating myself to something that I haven't done in months... watching Conan (the Irishman not the Barbarian). Considering that I have a drawing of his head on my keychain, it is suprising how little I have watched his show lately... I guess breaking my Conan fast is part of some well needed rest. I have been traveling all week long and have been fighting a cold, so I have been pretty cranky. Add to that a ton of frustration at certain aspects of my life not going in the way I have wanted them to and there you go. That's me. I must admit that watching Conan is really just icing on the cake. Today has been pretty cathartic already. I went with a friend to go see Kalai, who other than some pretty inane comments between songs (an understatement), is a pretty good performer. After the concert, we got into this conversation where we talked about a lot without going into much detail, which normally doesn't help with the frustration, but surprisingly this time it did. So T, thanks.

Well, I was going to blog about more stuff, and some of it was pretty funny, but I'm tired, and Conan is starting, so I'll see you suckas later.

Out of town

So, I have been out of town for the past week. It has been pretty crazy. Just to give you an idea, here is my flightplan:

SLC to PHX
PHX to STL
STL to SLC
SLC to LGB

And then a drive from Long Beach to Provo. But, anyway, both the trips to St. Louis and Long Beach were great. I loved WashU, and the weather in LGB was awesome (we pretty much went from the hottest part of the country to the coldest. Yay!). I also found out that I have been accepted to the University of Washington and they want me to fly out to visit. So, in honor of this news, I have upgraded my little logo chart (v. 2.0) to give all you guys an idea of how these things are going.


Anyway, the checks mean I have been invited to interview, the x is a rejecction, the green thumbs up mean acceptance (by them, I'll use a different logo for the school I select) and the ? should be obvious. For those of you who don't know what the actual school seals are, here's the list from left to right, top to bottom:

• Washington University in St. Louis (WashU)
• The Sackler Institute at NYU Med School
• University of Washington
• Boston University
• North Carolina State University
• The National Institutes of Health

Well, there it is. Enjoy! I should be blogging more often now that I am back in town.

Up too late...

Well, I did it again. I'm up too late. I have been programming all day long and I finally finished my project. Yay! I think that the coolest thing that I did today was learn how to use a debugger. Sad to say, I have been doing things the hard way for so long (hmm....), but now I have a new toy! What? Knight Rider is off the air! OK, so I am a bit behind the times...

Please disregard this post.

Too much Hullabaloo

So yesterday, as I was catching up on a bit of reading about my beloved Seahhawks, I ran across an article about a lawsuit that Texas A&M is bringing against Seattle for marketing "12th Man" products. Big deal. Seattle is known for stealing sports mottos. If I remember correctly, the rallying cry of the '95 Mariners was "Refuse to Lose" which we ripped off from some basketball team somewhere. Again I repeat, big deal. We have given this world Gary Larson, Nirvana, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Jimi Hendrix, The Presidents of the United States, Modest Mouse, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Starbucks, Microsoft (yeah, I know...), Costco, Amazon.com, Nordstrom, Boeing, Cinnabon, R.E.I., UPS, Red Robin, Nintendo, Bungie (Creators of Halo), the wave (here as well), Sir Mix-A-Lot, Bill Gates, Paul Allen (who owns the Seahawks), Richard Karn (Home Improvement's Al Borland), we have launched the careers of Ray Charles and Quincy Jones, play home (part time) to Dave Matthews, and are the burial place of Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee! I have a feeling if he were alive today that he would go Jeet Kune Do all over your legal documents. I'm sorry if we ripped off your slogan, but we have been too busy doing other things. Oh, by the way, thanks for giving us "Hullabaloo, Caneck! Caneck!" "Chig-gar-roo-gar-rem!" and "Gig 'em Aggies!" I use those all the time.

Anyway, where were your legal documents when we retired the #12 jersey in '84 and dedicated it to the "12th Man"? It wasn't until 2004 that we even heard anything from you. Why now rather than when we started the tradition in Seattle? You have been doing this a lot longer than we have, I'll give you that, but don't rain on our parade. We get enough of that already. According to your suit, you won't even let us say, "Thank You 12th Man" to all those who deserve it. I guess most Seattleites can just add this suit to the list of things they don't like from Texas. I'll finish my comments (eh, my rant) by quoting R.C. Merz, sandwich maker at Pike Place Market, who when asked if he thought Paul Allen and the Seahawks would be ok responded, "He can hire a good lawyer." You bet he can.