Forwarded Emails

I'm sure some of you out there will feel the same way I feel about this, but I hate forwarded emails. Let me clarify, I hate stupid forwarded emails. There are a few kinds, but I am only going to list the ones that I find particularly heinous, and they are (in order of increasing annoyance):

1. Surveys: Not particularly offensive, but heinous because of the time I actually waste on these every once in awhile.
2. Chain letters: Ãœberlame. How anyone could believe that the outcome of their lives could be changed by sending or not sending it on is beyond me.
3. Voting/Petitions: These are getting to the point of really bugging me. When people say, "Here's a link to vote for <insert name here> as Person of the Year/Decade/Century in <insert name of magazine/tv program/website here>" I get really steamed. Most of the ones that I get are an attempt at getting religious figures at the top and are accompanied by a paragraph indicating to me that if I don't vote early and vote often, I am not a true Christian/Mormon/Human Being. I hate to break it to you all, but the best way to show your beliefs is not to vote your leaders to the top, but to listen to and live their teachings.
4. Misquotes: These are the worst. At one time I taught a class on how to teach Sunday School. When we got to the section about keeping the doctrine that we teach pure, I let them know that the biggest error that a religious teacher can make is to misquote or incorrectly paraphrase a scripture or the teachings of Church leaders. I hate the phrase, "A General Authority once said..." Most people don't intend on passing faulty information or half-truths to others, but that is often what they do after uttering those words. My rule of thumb is, if you don't know who said it, don't say it. If you think someone said it, find out, and share it next time. Too often I get emails that contain misquotes, or completely false statements attributed to some famous person. I got one today from a friend (the reason for my rant). It was a quote from Ben Stein about Christmas, and I liked the first half, but then the second half changed tone and became a bit more accusatory. I usually regard all forwards of this type as being fabrications, but since I like Ben Stein and I liked the first half of what he supposedly said, I looked in to this one. I found that the first half was indeed something he said. The second half, however, was something that had been added by someone or a group of someones somewhere, sometime. Are you seeing the holes in quality control here? People, when are you going to learn that just because something is on the internet or in an email doesn't make it the truth! I know it is easier to just click "forward" than to check the facts, but don't do it! Be educated! Learn to say things for yourself, and you will have something of your own to send to people! I am using too many exclamation points! Well, since I am using too many exclamation points, I had better get off the soapbox...

My Name is D... Scrumpestuous D

Now for some news that is still sending spasms of delight through my body at random intervals - the rerelease of all 20 James Bond movies in 2 disc, fully remastered Ultimate Editions. Pretty cool, huh? Well, in an attempt to spread some of this delight, here is a little teaser for you:





















Hope you enjoyed that. I think I am going to head on over to Amazon.com right now...

Retrocrush

I still remember my first date. We had dinner at her apartment, and then a sunset walk along the shores of Lake Washington. We fed the seagulls, enjoyed the night air and then stopped off for a little dessert. She bought me an Almond Joy bar. It was cute. Life seemed pretty good at the time - until she decided to go on a mission. I was crushed. I was also 5 years old.

Fast forward 20 years. Though I am still reeling from that initial rejection, I still get crushes on girls (I should say women, but crushes on women sounds funny), but it's just not the same anymore. So, in an attempt at capturing some of that retrocrush magic, I'm taking a trip down memory lane. As a kid, I can't remember having that many crushes on real girls. Most of the time, I would see girls/women on TV and think they were really pretty or really cool... as you can see, I was a discerning little boy. Anyway, here's a little list just to give you an idea of what was going through that hair-covered, pre-pubescent little head of mine.



First on the list is Wonder Woman. Man, I used to watch that show all the friggin' time. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't the costume that did it for me. Being 6, it was pretty much a non-issue. I liked her because she kicked booty, not because I liked her booty. What kid wouldn't love a girl with power bracelets, a magic lasso and an invisible plane?



Next up on the hit parade is Daisy Duke. My mom really liked watching the Dukes (still does. In fact, she taped the reunion show a few years ago), and naturally, I watched along. It wasn't the Hot Pants. I had no concept of what Hot Pants were, I guess I just thought she was nice. And let's not forget, she had a jeep.



I had a crush twice over for the last lady on my list, first as Col. Wilma Deering on Buck Rogers and later as Kate Summers on Silver Spoons. Yes, I am talking about the one and only Erin Gray. There are many things that I could possibly say about her characters, but I think I can sum it up by saying that even at a tender young age I realized that if a foxy lady such as Kate Summers could marry a dweeb like Edward Stratton III, there was hope. Plus she knew how to fly a spaceship.

D's Big Adventure

Today was crazy. Last night I noticed that the AC adapter for my beloved PowerBook began sparking. Well, one of the wires was frayed and in the interest of not burning down my apartment (and thereby not getting my deposit back), I decided to get a new one. This meant going to one of 3 places - the Apple store in SoHo, the NYU Computer store, or the Apple Store on 5th Ave. Now, I have been to the first, there was no guarantee that the second would have the part in stock, and I had never been to the third. So, off I went to the 5th Ave location - walking. I started at 30th and 1st Ave and walked to 5th Ave and 59th Street. Now, for those of you not living in NYC, that is a pretty decent walk. After passing Grand Central Terminal and a few other New York landmarks along the way, I finally got to the Apple Store. What a place! I wandered for a bit, and finally found the adapter (last one in stock, lucky me!), and noticed something interesting about the store - there are no cash registers. At least none that I could see. Well, I think that one of the workers noticed my confusion and walked up to me with a little handheld device and offered to check me out. He scanned the item, swiped my card and verified my email so they could send me the reciept. How cool! Right in the middle of the store! I'm gushing!

Well, this is when things got a bit more interesting. Leaving the store, I began to plan my route back to the apartment and I decided to walk past the UN on the way home. Whoops. I guess I should have been more up on current affairs. I completely forgot that the President of Iran was speaking there today (and Pres. Bush, btw), and security was high. In fact I was pretty much the only person I saw that wasn't either with the NYPD, Secret Service, or had a UN ID. I have to admit that the aura of international intrigue surrounding the situation caused visions of 24 to float through my head... OK, so I watch too much TV.

On a more humorous note, as I was walking down 57th I had a major flash from the past, namely one Mr. Juan Valdez and his donkey, who have apparently opened a coffee shop together. Remember that guy? He was always showing up in the most ridiculous places (kitchen windows, bathrooms) in his commercials just to let people know that he picked their coffee beans (not some stupid mermaid). I wonder how many times he got arrested for trespassing (Honey! Get your gun, that Colombian guy and his donkey are back and they trampled my petunias!). Editor's note: The author of this blog does not condone in any way the threatening or harming of Colombians. He likes Colombians. Especially Shakira.

Blinded By The Light

The song Blinded By The Light, originally by Bruce Springsteen but made famous by Manfred Mann's Earth Band is a veritable treasure trove of misunderstood lyrics. I don't care how much you listen to it and try to figure out what they are saying, he says "douche." That's right, douche. The Springsteen version says "deuce," referring to a 1932 Ford Deuce Coupe (like the Beach Boys song Little Deuce Coupe), but this version is clearly douche just like Johnny RIvers sings "secret asian man" and Jimi Hendrix sings "excuse me while I kiss this guy." I'm also pretty sure that they use the word "anus" in Blinded By The Light, but what do you expect from a song that has lyrics like:

And go-kart Mozart was checkin' out the weather charts
see if it was safe outside
And little early burly came by in his curly whirly
and asked me if I needed a ride.

Perfect Scenario

In the murky recesses of my mind, I have hidden away a whole collection of "perfect scenarios." Maybe you know the kind of scenarios that I am talking about. They are the ones labeled, "I'll be perfectly happy when..." Well, moving to the city has sort of given me the opportunity to reflect on where I have been and where I want to go, and in the process, I've realized that I don't know why these scenarios are hidden all the way back in the murky recesses of my mind. There's nothing wrong with them, and they at least deserve a spot in the fluorescently-lit cubicles of my mind if not a full blown position on the breathtaking mountaintops of my mind. My only fear is that the move request will end up on the desk of the middle manager of my mind and the whole process will get so caught up in bureaucratic red tape that the filing cabinet where my scenarios are stored will end up in the sapphire pools of someone else's mind, and they will be forever lost to me because the email program of my mind sent the tracking information to the junk folder. Man, that would be a mess. Well, in an attempt to avoid all that bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo, from time to time I may throw a few scenarios up here on the old blog. Just to show you all that I'm not kidding, here is one of them:

Me and my signifigant other are sitting on the porch of our beach house, sipping lemonade, staring at the ocean and enjoying the afternoon breeze. The last key to the scenario is music. Almost every one of these scenarios includes music, and in this one it's Nat King Cole. If you too can see yourself in that situation within the next few (I use that word lightly) years, and are a member of the female persuasion, call me at...

Now, now, you didn't think I was actually going to do it, did you?

The Sound of Silence

I was talking to some friends last night about the subject of talking. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I talk too much.
Others: Yes you do.

It wasn't much of a conversation. Later that evening, waiting for the bus, I realized that I really am afraid of silence. There are probably several reasons why, but I still haven't figured out what they are. Now, there is a principle here that I should have learned a long time ago. I am a huge fan of Jazz, and there was a time that I played decent Jazz trumpet (sadly, it's been almost 2 years since I was playing regularly). Well, when learning how to play an improvised solo, there is this pressure to fill every beat with notes, either to show everyone that you can play well, or out of fear of losing their interest. But as you may have guessed, the experienced soloist knows that empty space (silence) in a solo is equally as important as the space that you fill. I've got another jazz principle having to do with falling on your face, but that will have to wait for some other time.

Simpler Times

So, I have spent most of the night celebrating Mexican Independence Day watching American sitcoms. Go figure. Well, as sort of a one man afterparty, I decided to - wait for it - watch more TV! Currently, I am watching an old show that I loved as a kid, Benson. Boy, the sitcom has changed since 1982. Then again, maybe not. Here's the story so far...

Benson, the Lieutenant Governor (formerly the butler to the Governor - congrats on the promotion) needs to go to a BIG meeting in a town 5 hours away, and the silly cook, who has apparently become some kind of secretary since I was eight, forgets to buy plane tickets. So, Benson and the cook/secretary drive off in the night to get there, but (you ready?) they head in the wrong direction! And to make things worse, the cook/secretary was told not to take the blue sedan, and guess what - she took the blue sedan! Ha ha ha. So, now that they are stuck in this repair shop/diner, the cook/secretary takes a job as waitress! Ha! What will they think of next? Well, I'm not going to bore you with the rest of the plot (as I'm probably not going to finish the rest of the show), but I'm sure that in the end, Benson will get to the meeting and hilarity will ensue.

Well, enough ragging on old shows. They do have some good things about them. Like kick @$* theme songs. Man, I love that bari sax...

I Hate Halloween

I really do. I loved the candy as a kid, and I did enjoy dressing up way back when (I particularly liked the space alien costume my Mom made for me in the 1st grade), but not anymore. Yet, this year, I find myself actually looking forward to getting dressed up and... well, let's be honest, probably just sitting in my apartment. Regardless, I do have some ideas, and I thought that I would just put them out there on the net for all (1) of my readers to enjoy. So, without further ado, let me present:

Scrumpestuous D's List of Costumes and Other Fancy Clothes

(Nice use of color and bold, don't you think?)

1. Dr. Evil - You see, I am bald and evil, so it's a perfect fit right? The only drawback is the scar. I don't have one and can't stand having things stuck/painted/glued to my face. It's weird, I know. I hated facepainters as a child.
2. The Skipper - I would go as Gilligan, but I'm not a bony dope. So the natural next choice is the Skipper. Blue Polo, khakis and a hat and all I would need to complete it is a Mary Ann...
3. George Jetson - Probably not going to happen, but how cool would it be?
4. Baseball Player - This is my old standby. I think I did this 3 years in a row once. I wouldn't mind busting out the old jersey.
5. Daddy Warbucks - This was actually a suggestion from last year. I had a friend who was short, redheaded and spunky (possible doctoral dissertation: genetic link between readheadedness and spunk), and we all thought it would be a hoot and a half (she was short, remember?) if we went as Little Orphan Annie and Daddy Warbucks. I thought it was a great idea, but it never happened. If I could find an Annie, this one would be high on the list.
6. Kojak - I love this idea, but I'm afraid that I would spend the evening explaining who I was. I already have the hat, I could score some glasses easily enough and have a few good ties, all I would really need is a bag of dum-dum's.
7. Football Player - Pretty much the same as #4, but gives me an excuse to buy a Seahawks jersey.
8. Curly - Needs a Larry and Moe
9. Laurel and Hardy - I love these guys. Where could I find a skinny dopey-looking partner?
   

End of Costumes and Fancy Clothes Section!

Well, that about does it for this time. Feel free to leave your comments at the bottom so that all (1) my readers can enjoy them.

Royal Flush

I have a dream.

How many times do you find yourself sitting in the bathroom with absolutely nothing to do? Well, I guess that quite often you are doing something, but that doesn't take a whole lot of concentration now does it? Well, people have many ideas about how to fill that dead time such as:

• Reading the newspaper
• Reading Sports Illustrated
• Reading the back of your shampoo bottle
• Talking on a cell phone (you know who you are...)

Well, I plan on taking things to the next level - TV. For years we have had the TV, and now we have them built for ouur kitchens and our cars, and why not have one in the bathroom? I hear Samuel L. Jackson even has a TiVo in his bathroom, and he never misses on a good idea...

There is also a plan for a TV in the shower, but it is a bit more complicated, but nothing says royal treatment more than exfoliating facial scrub and CNN - AT THE SAME TIME! There really is only one drawback to this whole plan, and that's the end of the mid-shower epiphany. But, sometimes you can't have it all.

More Apologies

Well, now that I have no readers anymore, it's high time to continue filling up the internet with worthless crap! The reason (excuse) for not having written in a while is that I have been "getting used to" my new place in good old New York City. Perhaps starting grad school has something to do with it as well, but probably not...

So, NYC is great, and with the change of scenery I have decided to explain what this blog is all about. Well, pretty much it is about nothing, which is what most blogs are about. Which makes me wonder...

most blogs are about nothing...

Seinfeld was a show about nothing...

therefore most blogs are about Seinfeld!

Ok, I've got another one:

God is love...
Love is blind...
Stevie Wonder is blind...
Therefore Stevie Wonder is God! Man, he's so awesome! Very superstitious...

Hmm... perhaps there is something wrong with my logic. Well, one last question that I get all the time (lie) is what does the word "scrumpestuous" mean. Well, it's sort of a mish-mash (a portmanteau, if you want to get technical) of several words, including and not limited to:

Scrumptious
Stupendous
Delicious
Erudite
Suave
Handsome
Classy
Stud-muffin
Rad-i-cool
Fahrvergnügen
Sensitive 90's man and
absquatulate

But, feel free to add your own. The meaning can't really be expressed in words, but it is pretty much synonomous with "cool".